Distance

it's 3.33am. with a final impatient roll, he opened his eyes the last time for the night. the original plan of forcing himself to sleep and waking up to desolation was not going to work. his idea of a last resort to sleep did cross his mind, but wanking with this level of heartache would require an unusually high level of dementedness and concentration. the latter would be impossible, his brain is on fire.

so like most people do in these situations, he grabbed his towel and turned on the shower heater. with the water running down his face, the choices suddenly became clear. to go or not to go. it was not until one hour later when he finally surrendered. he got dressed and ran down the flights of stairs with such exhilaration he wouldn't know if he broke his ankle. in the stillness of the night road he outstretched his arm to a distant blue light. god must be a cab driver.

'uncle changi airport. 驾快一点，求求你。'

god was a woman too in this case. he didn't noticed it until he paid the fare. visibly flustered, his mind was replaying different countless scenarios to which none will come into play. he wanted the cab to go faster, the flight was in 27 minutes. he wished the cab would go slower, he needed to conjure a perfect plan to this wretched situation of his own. what to say? what to do? will anyone else be there? why am i even on this cab?? the mindfucks went on for another 14 minutes.

the airport. dead poets might have wrote better poems if they lived on to be inspired by it. a place where emotions are displayed in polarity; Arrival and Departure.
mentally and physically exhausted, he stood in the middle of the departure hall with a look of bewilderment, straight out from a movie scene. it didn't take too long for him to recognise the graceful silhouette from a distance. she was that special.

everything he thought of saying or doing, all the mental solutions he had, they were gone. with locked knees he found himself walking behind the pillar. he was not ready. standing upright against the cold wall, he felt he was about to have a panic attack. he was deaf to the announcement on the PA to check-in, until he saw people started waving goodbyes to their loved ones. it was then he felt the only words that mattered to him, his brain screaming the truth as if it was from another person. 'i can't let you go.'

now or never.

he turned and walked towards her. every cautious step became more determined, more convicted. he tried calling out her name, his throat was too dry. he hesitated for a second, swallowed, and called out again. he stood there rooted as she turned her head, her short hair flopping sideways to reveal her beautiful face. he couldn't hold his tension any longer. he walked straight to her, wanting to collapse in her embrace, needing to tell her how badly he needs her. what greeted him when she was finally aware of his presence, stopped him entirely in his tracks, and took the breath out of his lungs. he knew it was over.
she smiled. a kind, cheery, radiant, toothy smile. the beautiful smile that he fell in love with, was now the very smile that brought the world down on him. he didn't move, he didn't know where to look, he still couldn't breathe.

she walked up and inspected his lifeless widened-eyed face, still smiling.
'hey! glad u could come. would have bet you'll be sleeping.'
a final announcement hurried the remaining few passengers.
'gosh i gotta run. call u when i'm over there ya?'
she dropped her luggage and tiptoed to wrap her arms over his shoulders. he tried lifting both his shivering arms to return her courtesy, but by then all he saw was her back view, joining her que, and leaving for good.

he turned and started to take small, heavy steps. he found an empty cubicle in the toilet. with the door locked and the seat lowered, he could finally breathe.